


Decisions

by antiteb



Category: Alles was zählt
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-25
Updated: 2012-09-25
Packaged: 2017-11-15 01:23:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/521601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antiteb/pseuds/antiteb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happened when Roman changed his mind and didn’t leave with Marc? Takes place between episodes 967 and 968.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Decisions

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Entscheidungen](https://archiveofourown.org/works/521599) by [antiteb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/antiteb/pseuds/antiteb). 



Roman lay on the bed, eyes wide open and staring at the ceiling. Light came in from the outside and cast shadows. He tried to identify pictures, thought about stories the ceiling would tell if it could speak. He imagined all the men who had lain here, sleepless, looking for answers on a boring, white ceiling.

Roman breathed heavily and closed his eyes. Sleep just didn’t want to come. He was awake and at the same time incredibly tired. Sighing, he rubbed his hand over his eyes and let it fall on the bed. He touched the person next to him with his little finger. Marc had turned his back to him trustingly. The blanket had slipped down and his body radiated heat. Roman raised his hand and let it hover over Marc’s spine. Nevertheless he believed that he could feel every vertebra. Roman’s eyes followed his hand and when he looked back to Marc’s neck, he couldn’t resist laying his fingers on the skin. He could feel how Marc’s heat passed over to him. Marc kept sleeping; he just moved his head a bit to give Roman more access. 

Roman took his hand away and stared at the man lying next to him. The hair was free of gel, tousled and laying on the pillow. It was pretty long. Roman frowned. What would he look like with shorter hair? Hair like… Roman jerked back and stared at the ceiling again. It was wrong. He shouldn’t even think about something like that. 

“What am I doing here?” Roman thought, and sighed. Was it really right, what he was doing here? He had signed the notice of resignation yesterday. He had sealed the envelope. He’d done everything he could to round up his life in Essen. The only thing he hadn’t done was to send it off. It was still in his jacket. Totally crinkled and dog-eared. Roman was sure that Marc didn’t know about it. He’d been so excited and happy yesterday evening and Roman didn’t have the guts to tell him that he still had the letter with him. Instead his stomach had begun to make strange noises and cramp. 

But after he’d seen Deniz’s face, eyes empty, not even a little spark of anger, he didn’t have it in him to send the letter. Everything in him had screamed to follow Deniz. To lie his hand on his shoulder and to tell him that he loved him. That he wanted to make him happy. He’d have said everything in that moment. He’d have lied like a trooper, just to see something. 

Frustrated, Roman hit the mattress. He felt it move and held his breath. But Marc kept sleeping. Roman breathed a sigh of relief. His stomach felt like thousands of ants were crawling over each other inside it. And Roman was sure it wouldn’t stop until he made a decision. No. Until he made another decision. He didn’t want to let Marc go. He wanted to keep Deniz. He wanted it all. 

Just the thought of a life without Marc froze him. There were questions over questions, and he could imagine a future with him. How they’d live together in a flat in Hamburg. How they’d take walks together at the pier, and how they’d work together. It sounded perfect. Everything was perfect in his imagination. Roman tilted his head and looked at Marc’s back. Marc lay silently on his side and breathed regularly in and out. Roman smiled a little. It was nice to watch him sleep. 

He was so different from Deniz. Deniz was never silent in bed. Deniz moved from side to side, especially when he was trying to find sleep. He had disturbed Roman so often that Roman had thought about the couch or another bed sometimes. And now there was the possibility that Deniz would never disturb him again. Never again would Deniz kick him in the night or cuddle up to him. Never again would Deniz wake him up at some inhumane time and kiss him. 

Never again.

Roman felt his throat constrict. Breathing was becoming harder and harder. Everything was too tight. Roman lay his hand on his throat and pulled at his shirt. He rolled out of bed, breathing heavily, and kneeled on the floor. Breathing. In and out. That’s all Roman concentrated on. He didn’t want to think about a future without Deniz. 

And he couldn’t even picture such a future. Whatever he imagined, even just the simple possibility that he’d never see Deniz again, made him sick. Roman wanted to retch. But all that came was a cough. 

It couldn’t be true. Everything was planned. Well… more or less. He couldn’t go back to his old life. Especially when his old life didn’t exist anymore. It was absolutely hopeless. Did he want to get into this again? Into an uncertain future without friends, just with the chance to see Deniz once or twice on the street? But Roman knew that this was exactly what he would do. This possibility was still better than a life without Deniz. 

But this is a life without Deniz, idiot! A voice in his head said. 

“Oh, shut up!” Roman winced. He had said that aloud. He could only hope that Marc didn’t wake up. But he wasn’t so lucky. Roman gasped. What did he expect?

“Roman?” Roman looked up and in his friend’s face. He looked down to Roman, puzzled. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing. Everything’s okay.” Marc frowned and looked Roman directly in the eyes. “Really, everything is fine. I… I was just looking for my watch.” Roman grinned broadly. It sounded wrong even to his own ears. “I must have lost it here somewhere.”

“When you’ve found it, come to bed. I missed you.” Marc pulled the duvet back and chuckled. Roman tried to keep smiling and crawled under the duvet. He leaned against Marc and pressed his nose into his neck. Then he let his hands wander over the warm skin. His palms touched Marc’s chest and traveled down until he touched the waistband of Marc’s trousers. 

Marc frowned. “Now?” Roman nodded and kissed his soft skin. Nothing would keep him from doing this. 

One last time.


End file.
